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Thu, Sep. 20th, 2007, 11:39 pm

apparently, i left the door to the freezer open back on monday when i was home to water my plants, so all the food i had there, and my brother's food, were ruined.


and here's where i know there's something fundamentally different in how i work compared to at least most of my friends and family: i'm not bothered in the least. i mean, i feel bad that my brother lost some food and will transfer some money to cover the damage (since he is still unemployed and low on cash), but.. i don't genuinly feel anything, really, about having to throw away 4 large bags of ruined groceries.

i think it's because for the first time in many years, i'm slowly on my way up from being in the red every month. i have just the tiniest bit of money saved up (maybe $900 total) for the first time in years, and it brings me this complete sense of calm.

$900 is nowhere near where i need to be in order to have a proper buffer, but it -is- enough for me to not get really worried because i lost some groceries.

it's enough for me not to be bothered by the fact that my current pair of shoes (yes, i only own one pair of shoes and wear them every day until they completely fall apart. when they do, i immediately go to the nearest shoestore, pick up a new pair and wear immediately, and throw out the old pair on my way out of the store), because i know i'll be able to buy some new shoes any day now without worrying about where i can find money for it.

i'm just not bothered by household emergencies, while my brother (as most people probably would) is very angry and slamming doors and throwing blame. poor guy. i don't know, shit happens, you know? it's just food we obviously haven't need to eat for quite some time anyway because it's been hidden in the freezer for weeks/months.

heh, i kind of sound like a jackass. i don't know. for 5 years in america, i was really, really broke. i remember moonriddengirl bailing me out with $20 once because i couldn't even afford the bus to school. (moonriddengirl saved me so many times, and i'm so grateful for it. thank you thank you thank you. :))

or the time i had $20 to last me through a week or two, and my boss suddenly took me grocery shopping and paid my bill - i think it was christmas weekend, even, or new year's, and i was so stunned and happy to suddenly have that $20 and groceries to last me a week.

i remember counting it a luxury adding spinach to my ramen noodle-dinners to try and get at least something of nutritional value into it all.

i know i'm not alone in having crazy memories of being really broke. i'm just saying.. i'm not broke now, and ..that's cool.


weird entry. hehe. sorry. :)

Fri, Sep. 21st, 2007 07:01 am (UTC)

I know exactly how you feel. I still remember how wonderful it was to suddenly realize that if my daughter needed new shoes I could just go out and buy some for her, after having been broke for years. It feels so good, not being broke anymore. ;o)

Fri, Sep. 21st, 2007 08:46 am (UTC)

It is really nice to not be broke anymore. I remember how I used to go through all my jackets and purses desperately looking for small change, and what it was like to start checking my bank account two days before my salary was supposed to come in, just hoping that some glitch in the system would make it come in sooner than it was supposed to. Being broke is so muck work! (And expensive, too - funnily, it's easier to live on a limited budget when you actually have money.)

Fri, Sep. 21st, 2007 08:56 am (UTC)

The eternal paradox, this. Being broke is very expensive.